Time-Out

Throughout the past year, I experienced many things of many kinds. BYU opened my eyes to how pure the gospel can thrive when it is willingly accepted, when everyone implies that kindness is, well, implied. Of course, no one is without their life-long struggles and post-high school identities. There was much for me to change and work on when it came to dealing with the church, people, and myself. And I honestly believe that it was because of the atmosphere filled with the Spirit of God I was able to gain perspective (hence, the introductory praising of BYU). Many things were changed, and many things are being worked on. Here's one of them.

I'm not sure how to coherently explain this.

It is not uncommon for people to simultaneously experience opposing emotions, right? I've thought about this for quite some time...Now that high school is over, so is an interesting time of my life. The facts that going to school in another state and, perhaps, never getting to see certain people again eventually led me to realize that whatever was needed to be said to these certain people would not be easy to say. In other words, with many months and thousands of miles in between two people, electronic communication just wouldn't be the same as experiencing the nervous thrill and intimate craze of talking to a friend(s) face-to-face. I guess you could say this is why I started writing. Still, there were some things that needed to be addressed to friends I may have lost contact with and whatnot. Most of what has/was on my mind got through in one way or another, which is always good (I think). Some things were left unsaid, however. And I wonder to myself if this is ultimately good thing. Should everything be said? Maybe not. But I feel as though if what it is considered to be said can change someone's life for the better, there is no reason it shouldn't be said. Now, I refer to the title of my first post. This is what worries me about me.

After many months of late night brooding and daylight dreaming, I still can't bring myself to tell let certain people know what I feel towards them. After stripping down the complex, disorganized, and metaphysical museum that is my mind to its purely emotional workings, I see that several things prevent/scare me from confessing that which is needed to be confessed. Simply put: I am nervous of how they will respond, I am worried that what I say will mean nothing in particular to them, and It seems as though they have no intentions of wanting to talk to me in the first place (perhaps because they don't see me as a close enough friend?). Now arguments against these thoughts have been considered. And it is not my intention to give excuses, but this social nervousness. proves to be a steeper hill for me. I suppose it happens to everyone. Just goes to show you how much in common we have in ways that would seem to be lonely or so personal that you may think no one knows how you feel. Oh, hey there. The more I think about these things, the more I realize these concerns are silly and mental. And yet as much I try to fix them (or at least think I am trying), there is not much progress. Which brings me to another conclusion. Isn't it so interesting to know of the aspects of your life that you will constantly fight and persist in overcoming? Change has never been so immediate for me, my friend. No, things have never taken immediate effect and, thus, be immediately accepted (except for maybe listening to Third Eye Blind and eating pizza for the first time).

I cherish the fact that I have problems to overcome. It lets me know that there is a better life years, perhaps even mere seconds, from now. As a good musician once sang, "Every moment in your life is a chance to get it right." Let there be opposition in my life; for when I am gray-hair old and poorly-posture fragile, I will have a story to tell. Now this is not to say I won't ever overcome these things. I honestly don't know when this is to occur. But for now, I have some thinking to do and people to (hopefully) talk to.

This may not make sense, but I hope you understand.